while i appreciate that my sister’s boyfriend cares that my feelings were hurt, i’m really fucking angry he thinks it’s okay to threaten my friends with physical violence. things upset me A LOT more easily than i normally let on and now that i’m being vocal when things hurt me, this is what’s happening. exactly why i kept shit to myself before. so no. threatening my friends because they hurt my feelings is not going to make mending any friendships any easier and i’m just really mad ugh can it be next tuesday. i forgot to ask the therapist about medication last time.
sometimes i say really depressing shit and only hours later do i really realize how depressing it was and how badly i need to not say anything ever.
most of the time i feel like a big running joke to everyone i know
and i’m snapping at everyone who bitches at me.
‘you didn’t give me my change!’
yeah well you’re going to rot in the ground someday. and before that you’re going to die and i bet anything in your last breath you won’t worry about how i didn’t give you your change. so here’s your change, go get in a fucking car accident.
i probably need serious mental help because it’s much worse than i’m letting on to most people most of the time.
why do people make movies or write books or care about one another or paint their nails or sleep in beds or shower regularly or become presidents because we’re all just animals and animals die and we’ve done so much damage to the earth for our own comfort when we’re only on it for such a short period of time and then we die and rot in the ground or float off in the wind as ashes or however we choose to decompose. why do humans think they’re worth more than they are? like we have some entitlement over nature because we can think and because we can think we build buildings and go to banks and let some crusty old dudes in cushy offices in washington dc tell us how we can live our lives, what we can and can’t do, and that we’ll go to jail if we decide that’s not how we want to live. if i died in jail, i’d be buried beneath the same crust that the prison guard will be, that the senators and presidents and kings and queens and rapists and babies and priests and good guys and bad guys will all be buried under.
man i shouldn’t have read fight club.
fight club is a great book so far but every piece of literature i read or movie i watch makes me realize that there really is no point in anything. blogging doesn’t matter when you die the same way not wiping your ass after taking a shit doesn’t matter when you die the same way loving someone and having a family doesn’t matter when you die.
nothing matter because everyone dies. you can work your whole life for something but in 100 years no one is going to have any idea who you were.
and i was so right about my life spiraling after spartacus ended haha
i love smoking weed and being high but i need to be that high without having munchies.
or just do drugs that make me not want to eat.
or something.
HAHAHAHA i’m so happy i’m getting paid tomorrow. please pay me in cash. i need drugs. i don’t think i can pay for drugs with a check.
getting tired again of making plans and getting canceled on. not making plans this week. will be alone til the show saturday.
